Be grateful

I get to feeling so sorry for myself sometimes for no good reason. I think it's just somethign wacky with my chemical genetic make-up. I had one of those moments tonight. I kept getting really upset with how my husband was acting. He wasn't being over the top mean but I was taking it to the extreme. Tonight we loaded up several bags and took them to Goodwill. When we drove up I noticed there was a bike laying on it's side. I didnt think anything of it at the time. We unloaded our bags and got back in the truck. My husband asked me if I noticed the man in the dumpster....I hadn't. I was too caught up in my own pity party and I didn't notice someone who had it worse off than I did. I started crying...crying about the way I felt, crying for the shame I felt for the way I acted, crying for the man digging in the dumpster and riding a bike to get to where he wants to go. When I got home my son said he'd left me something sweet on my myspace. I logged on and noticed a friend had posted a bulletin. I visited his site and noticed some blogs he'd written that I hadn't read yet. My friend has been fighting a brain tumor for several years now. He had participated in relay for life. He was describing how touched he felt and how he finally realized what a horrible disease he had been fighting. I broke down again. My dear sweet friend has never felt sorry for himself one single day for the last 10 years. He walks around with a 1/4 of his brain missing with a smile on his face. I have all of my brain and still manage to find some reason to feel sorry for myself. How shallow am I. I'm glad God sent those signs to me and I'm thankful that I could take them and use them to realize what a beautiful life that I have. Thanks God!!!

Losing a friend

An old friend went to be with God today. While I am sure lots of people blog about losing friends this is a different story altogether. I know that my friend is walking with the Lord. He was an awesome human being and served his savior with his whole heart and soul. The person I feel the most sorrow for is his mother. She always wanted more children and never had any other children besides Paul. She lost her one and only child. How tragic is that. She'll never have anymore children or grandbabies. It's such a horrible chapter to have to end in your life. From my point of view as a mother with a strong desire to have more children unsuccessfully, I totally feel her pain. Something kind of programming in women well most of them, makes us want to love and nourish babies...lots of them. That's gone for her. It's so hard to explain. I sincerely hope that Jane finds peace and love and can move past the pain. I know that I will be praying for her and what better angel to have in heaven watching over you than your own child.

mean vs. nice

Why is it so much easier to be mean. I did a really good deed for my mom this week. She has praised me nonstop for going the distance for her....I finally asked her "Was I so bad before?". I know I am not the nicest person in the world and I am well known for my verbal diarrhea but I didn't think I was that bad. My mother and I have always had kind of a strained relationship. It has only been recent that we are good friends. I love and respect her but I don't like her very much sometimes. I think she can be selfish and self-centered and I think she has the same opinion of me. I have four brothers and sisters and I am definitely NOT the squeeky wheel. I'm painfully independent. I could count on one hand the times I have asked her for help. I have always paid back money when I owed it. I always help with holiday preparation. I say this because my brothers and sister DO NOT do these things. I just keep thinking about what my mom always says..."we don't do nice things for the reward we might receive for doing them".

freaking grandma

I really never thought I would use those two terms together but due to current events in my life they seem to fit together at the moment. I found out recently that my 18 yr old daughter is pregnant. I feel like the bottom dropped out of my world. This seems to be a horrible pattern for the women in my family...started with my g-ma....she was 16, my mom was 15, I was 17 and my sister was 16 and then here comes miss Jesi 18. I don't believe in family curses but hey if the shoe fits...
I seem to be taking this way too personal. See my daughter lives with her Dad. She has only been there for a few months, she's been with me up until this time. She just decided Waco was wayyy cooler than Athens....can't say that I blame her but what do you do huh?!? All this time she has been with me...I constantly remind her to take her pill....and yes I am one of those moms who put her on the pill for my own damn selfish reasons....I knew she was having sex and I wasn't ready to be a g-ma....dammit! Well so much for that theory. Now I'm at the ripe ol age of 36 and come January 2009.....I'll be a grandma!

My mother isn't taking it so well either...she'll be a great g-ma ya know. She's young too only 56. If you did the math, you'll realize I did the same thing to my poor mother. She was only 36 too. Can you say payback? Am I being co conspired against? Did my mother and daughter plot against me? Make you wonder huh. Of course they didn't. Babies are wonderful but let's be real....they change things. I feel so sorry for the war that will be waged against my beautiful baby's body. My mother is always joking about her being built like a stripper. She's really gorgeous.
Hopefully she'll be able to maintain but hey if history rears it's ugly head again...it ain't happening for her. Pregnancy wrecked all of our bodies. When I gave her her beautiful body...I gave up mine. I used to be pretty cute back in the day I might add. My mom says even prettier than Jesi at her age but she's my mom and they have to say stuff like that to you right....LOL

I guess I'll close...I don't want my first blog to be so depressing and boring but that's what's going on with me so there you have it. I'll apologize about the run on sentences and such but that's how my ol' brain works. I used to be excellent at english but I think I gave away all my brain cells to my children...pregnancy also makes you stupid Jesi!