Women scorned

I'm so very tired of bitching about this but every once in awhile my green monster rears it's ugly head. Two years ago I had tubal reversal surgery. I got pregnant 6 months after but miscarried. I haven't been able to get pregnant since. I know tons of women who have had the surgery that have gone on to have successful pregnancies, some even twice. While I have always enjoyed being "special" I really wish I was average when it comes to being pregnant. LOL

I never gave pregnancy a second thought until my surgery. I was clueless as to how the whole fertile myrtle thing happened. When I think back now it might not have been so easy for me to get pregnant. There are 3 years between my first two. I never used BC on a regular basis. I guess if it took me three years to conceive then I shouldn't be shocked that I'm having such a hard time now. However, there is only two years and two months between the last two. HMMM maybe I'm realizing a pattern here. Oh where oh where are my patience!?! I have a hard time letting go and letting God. I don't think he likes that too much. I need to learn my lesson I guess.

so not fair

My sister and her three kiddos came down for a visit. I love to see them but it always seems to upset me before they leave. My mother has a total of 8 grandchildren but you would think she only had 3 with the way she treats my sister's children differently. I saw my mother last thursady and she said that she wanted us all to get together and go to the water park Monday or Tuesday. I called my grandmother Monday afternoon to wish her a happy birthday. My cousin's little girl had been staying with my grandmother and I asked if she was still there and that's when she told me that she had gone to the water park with my mom and my sister, her friend and my sister's 3 boys!!! I was pissed! She does this crap all the time. I could tell you hundreds of stories were my children have been treated indifferent by my mother. I'm so tired of it. I feel like my hands are tied because she's my mom and I need her in my life but I shouldn't allow her to treat my kids differently. If I mention it, she'll shame me for begrudging my nephews fun when my kids have it so much better than my sister's kids. Are my kids to be punished because I'm a better parent? I just wanted to vent. Thanks!

I did it!

I finally passed my real estate tests. I had to take the national part twice. I missed it by 4 points the first time. I'm so glad it's over. I hope I can find a job tomorrow..wish me luck!

Kaleb

I get made fun of all the time for being a myspace junkie. I can't help myself I love the darn thing. I have found friends from high school, my kid's babysitters I haven't seen in years, my Dad who I hadn't spoken to in 8 years, I was contacted by a man who turned out to by my brother's brother he didn't even know existed and best of all I found my nephew Kaleb or KK as we have always called him. Kaleb is my oldest brother's one and only son. Ronnie and Jodi were married for a couple of years. Ronnie was born with numerous health issues and was diagnosed as being 80% sterile. My mother has said for years that she didn't think Kalen was really Ronnie's son; she's the only one who feels that way. Ronnis hasn't always been a good citizen if you KWIM. He was behind in child support and was given the money by his grandmother to catch up and he decided to "re-invest" the money into a drug deal gone bad....go figure. Jodi offered Ronnie a deal, sign your rights to Kaleb away and she wouldn't send him to prison...he took the deal. I was hearbroken. I am extremely close to all of my nephews. I never thought I could love someone else's children as much as I love my own....I was wrong...I adore all those boys.

So anyway, I find Kaleb on myspace. I simply asked to be his friend. He accepts and sends me a message as well...
I haven't seen or heard from any of yall in a LONG TIME! Thought yall might've forgotten about me, lol! haven't talked to my dad in a long time, don't know where he is. I hope yall are doin well, tell jes I said hi.
love ya

He thought we forgot about him? That was so heartbreaking for me to read. His mother wanted all of us out of the picture. She even changed his name. How do I reconnect with him? His mother will stand in the way and I can't explain to a child that his mother doesn't want us around? What do you do?

Real Estate

Well tomorrow is the big day for me and real estate. My potential new broker called me. I'm so nervous. I'll feel so bad if I don't pass the first time. It's not uncommon to have to take it twice or more; I just want to be the exception to the rule. My mother at the ripe ol age of 52 passed it first try. My sister had to take it twice. I have some real estate experience behind me so I'm hoping that will work to my advantage. I guess I had better get to studying.

Be grateful

I get to feeling so sorry for myself sometimes for no good reason. I think it's just somethign wacky with my chemical genetic make-up. I had one of those moments tonight. I kept getting really upset with how my husband was acting. He wasn't being over the top mean but I was taking it to the extreme. Tonight we loaded up several bags and took them to Goodwill. When we drove up I noticed there was a bike laying on it's side. I didnt think anything of it at the time. We unloaded our bags and got back in the truck. My husband asked me if I noticed the man in the dumpster....I hadn't. I was too caught up in my own pity party and I didn't notice someone who had it worse off than I did. I started crying...crying about the way I felt, crying for the shame I felt for the way I acted, crying for the man digging in the dumpster and riding a bike to get to where he wants to go. When I got home my son said he'd left me something sweet on my myspace. I logged on and noticed a friend had posted a bulletin. I visited his site and noticed some blogs he'd written that I hadn't read yet. My friend has been fighting a brain tumor for several years now. He had participated in relay for life. He was describing how touched he felt and how he finally realized what a horrible disease he had been fighting. I broke down again. My dear sweet friend has never felt sorry for himself one single day for the last 10 years. He walks around with a 1/4 of his brain missing with a smile on his face. I have all of my brain and still manage to find some reason to feel sorry for myself. How shallow am I. I'm glad God sent those signs to me and I'm thankful that I could take them and use them to realize what a beautiful life that I have. Thanks God!!!

Losing a friend

An old friend went to be with God today. While I am sure lots of people blog about losing friends this is a different story altogether. I know that my friend is walking with the Lord. He was an awesome human being and served his savior with his whole heart and soul. The person I feel the most sorrow for is his mother. She always wanted more children and never had any other children besides Paul. She lost her one and only child. How tragic is that. She'll never have anymore children or grandbabies. It's such a horrible chapter to have to end in your life. From my point of view as a mother with a strong desire to have more children unsuccessfully, I totally feel her pain. Something kind of programming in women well most of them, makes us want to love and nourish babies...lots of them. That's gone for her. It's so hard to explain. I sincerely hope that Jane finds peace and love and can move past the pain. I know that I will be praying for her and what better angel to have in heaven watching over you than your own child.

mean vs. nice

Why is it so much easier to be mean. I did a really good deed for my mom this week. She has praised me nonstop for going the distance for her....I finally asked her "Was I so bad before?". I know I am not the nicest person in the world and I am well known for my verbal diarrhea but I didn't think I was that bad. My mother and I have always had kind of a strained relationship. It has only been recent that we are good friends. I love and respect her but I don't like her very much sometimes. I think she can be selfish and self-centered and I think she has the same opinion of me. I have four brothers and sisters and I am definitely NOT the squeeky wheel. I'm painfully independent. I could count on one hand the times I have asked her for help. I have always paid back money when I owed it. I always help with holiday preparation. I say this because my brothers and sister DO NOT do these things. I just keep thinking about what my mom always says..."we don't do nice things for the reward we might receive for doing them".

freaking grandma

I really never thought I would use those two terms together but due to current events in my life they seem to fit together at the moment. I found out recently that my 18 yr old daughter is pregnant. I feel like the bottom dropped out of my world. This seems to be a horrible pattern for the women in my family...started with my g-ma....she was 16, my mom was 15, I was 17 and my sister was 16 and then here comes miss Jesi 18. I don't believe in family curses but hey if the shoe fits...
I seem to be taking this way too personal. See my daughter lives with her Dad. She has only been there for a few months, she's been with me up until this time. She just decided Waco was wayyy cooler than Athens....can't say that I blame her but what do you do huh?!? All this time she has been with me...I constantly remind her to take her pill....and yes I am one of those moms who put her on the pill for my own damn selfish reasons....I knew she was having sex and I wasn't ready to be a g-ma....dammit! Well so much for that theory. Now I'm at the ripe ol age of 36 and come January 2009.....I'll be a grandma!

My mother isn't taking it so well either...she'll be a great g-ma ya know. She's young too only 56. If you did the math, you'll realize I did the same thing to my poor mother. She was only 36 too. Can you say payback? Am I being co conspired against? Did my mother and daughter plot against me? Make you wonder huh. Of course they didn't. Babies are wonderful but let's be real....they change things. I feel so sorry for the war that will be waged against my beautiful baby's body. My mother is always joking about her being built like a stripper. She's really gorgeous.
Hopefully she'll be able to maintain but hey if history rears it's ugly head again...it ain't happening for her. Pregnancy wrecked all of our bodies. When I gave her her beautiful body...I gave up mine. I used to be pretty cute back in the day I might add. My mom says even prettier than Jesi at her age but she's my mom and they have to say stuff like that to you right....LOL

I guess I'll close...I don't want my first blog to be so depressing and boring but that's what's going on with me so there you have it. I'll apologize about the run on sentences and such but that's how my ol' brain works. I used to be excellent at english but I think I gave away all my brain cells to my children...pregnancy also makes you stupid Jesi!