I feel so selfish but I'm just sad

This is the only place I can whine and not hurt my husband's feelings or make him feel inadequate. The house we live in is old and needs quite a few repairs. We had a great opportunity to buy another house that's bigger, newer and nicer. My husband and I are both self-employed so we deduct all that we can off our taxes. Guess this has come back to bite us in the butt. I tried to get a pre-approval at the bank and because of our taxes we can't qualify for the house now. We make great money but we're stuck in this crapper because of freaking taxes.
Now the guilt....
With so many people losing their homes and jobs you would think I would be grateful for what I have. I feel quilty for wanting more than I have. All I know to do is pray for what's right and move on. It makes me sad and I feel like a failure for not being able to provide my children their dream house. I will recover and I am very blessed.

Gotta get healthy

A few weeks ago I had my yearly exam. I opted to get a blood test to check my thyroid because I just knew that was the cause of my problems. Thyroid came back fine but my cholesterol...WHOA mama...it was 30 points high. 30!!!! I'm only 37 and I have early signs of heart disease. It runs in my family. Dad had all 5 valves worked on several years ago. Well just today, James and I were laying in bed watching television; it was a story about a 42 yr old woman with heart disease. I told James we just needed to get busy getting healthy. I looked up fish recipes and we went shopping. While we were at Wal-mart we checked our blood pressure. I was in the pre-hypertension range and he was even worse than that. We needed to get serious. We bought no sugar products whatsoever. I bought almonds and low dose aspirin. I figure every little bit helps. Maybe I can talk James into a walk now.

Women scorned

I'm so very tired of bitching about this but every once in awhile my green monster rears it's ugly head. Two years ago I had tubal reversal surgery. I got pregnant 6 months after but miscarried. I haven't been able to get pregnant since. I know tons of women who have had the surgery that have gone on to have successful pregnancies, some even twice. While I have always enjoyed being "special" I really wish I was average when it comes to being pregnant. LOL

I never gave pregnancy a second thought until my surgery. I was clueless as to how the whole fertile myrtle thing happened. When I think back now it might not have been so easy for me to get pregnant. There are 3 years between my first two. I never used BC on a regular basis. I guess if it took me three years to conceive then I shouldn't be shocked that I'm having such a hard time now. However, there is only two years and two months between the last two. HMMM maybe I'm realizing a pattern here. Oh where oh where are my patience!?! I have a hard time letting go and letting God. I don't think he likes that too much. I need to learn my lesson I guess.

so not fair

My sister and her three kiddos came down for a visit. I love to see them but it always seems to upset me before they leave. My mother has a total of 8 grandchildren but you would think she only had 3 with the way she treats my sister's children differently. I saw my mother last thursady and she said that she wanted us all to get together and go to the water park Monday or Tuesday. I called my grandmother Monday afternoon to wish her a happy birthday. My cousin's little girl had been staying with my grandmother and I asked if she was still there and that's when she told me that she had gone to the water park with my mom and my sister, her friend and my sister's 3 boys!!! I was pissed! She does this crap all the time. I could tell you hundreds of stories were my children have been treated indifferent by my mother. I'm so tired of it. I feel like my hands are tied because she's my mom and I need her in my life but I shouldn't allow her to treat my kids differently. If I mention it, she'll shame me for begrudging my nephews fun when my kids have it so much better than my sister's kids. Are my kids to be punished because I'm a better parent? I just wanted to vent. Thanks!

I did it!

I finally passed my real estate tests. I had to take the national part twice. I missed it by 4 points the first time. I'm so glad it's over. I hope I can find a job tomorrow..wish me luck!

Kaleb

I get made fun of all the time for being a myspace junkie. I can't help myself I love the darn thing. I have found friends from high school, my kid's babysitters I haven't seen in years, my Dad who I hadn't spoken to in 8 years, I was contacted by a man who turned out to by my brother's brother he didn't even know existed and best of all I found my nephew Kaleb or KK as we have always called him. Kaleb is my oldest brother's one and only son. Ronnie and Jodi were married for a couple of years. Ronnie was born with numerous health issues and was diagnosed as being 80% sterile. My mother has said for years that she didn't think Kalen was really Ronnie's son; she's the only one who feels that way. Ronnis hasn't always been a good citizen if you KWIM. He was behind in child support and was given the money by his grandmother to catch up and he decided to "re-invest" the money into a drug deal gone bad....go figure. Jodi offered Ronnie a deal, sign your rights to Kaleb away and she wouldn't send him to prison...he took the deal. I was hearbroken. I am extremely close to all of my nephews. I never thought I could love someone else's children as much as I love my own....I was wrong...I adore all those boys.

So anyway, I find Kaleb on myspace. I simply asked to be his friend. He accepts and sends me a message as well...
I haven't seen or heard from any of yall in a LONG TIME! Thought yall might've forgotten about me, lol! haven't talked to my dad in a long time, don't know where he is. I hope yall are doin well, tell jes I said hi.
love ya

He thought we forgot about him? That was so heartbreaking for me to read. His mother wanted all of us out of the picture. She even changed his name. How do I reconnect with him? His mother will stand in the way and I can't explain to a child that his mother doesn't want us around? What do you do?

Real Estate

Well tomorrow is the big day for me and real estate. My potential new broker called me. I'm so nervous. I'll feel so bad if I don't pass the first time. It's not uncommon to have to take it twice or more; I just want to be the exception to the rule. My mother at the ripe ol age of 52 passed it first try. My sister had to take it twice. I have some real estate experience behind me so I'm hoping that will work to my advantage. I guess I had better get to studying.